How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
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Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure