how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
You Might Also Like
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
No chill.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.