How about daylight saves us for once
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?