How about I get 100% off by already being there
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Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef