“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I’d love this…lol
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.