How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes