How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
She was REALLY feeling it.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
A roof is a house hat.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m good, thanks.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.