“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
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Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]