How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Hot hot hot 🥵