“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
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i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning