How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?