How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
no regrets