How and why my FUR ROOM exists
You Might Also Like
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”