How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.