How animals would run if they were human
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They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Note to self: always read the final line
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!