HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
crying
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.