How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
You Might Also Like
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Human are so complicated
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch