How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
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How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
*pronounces fake like saké*
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.