@filth_waste

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

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@Marlebean

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

@jessokfine

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

@KevinFarzad

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

@joeljeffrey

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

@1Happytwit

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

@RxitWounds

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

@philmann

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

@PlopWaffle

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

@IDontSpeakWhine

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

@SondraDeeMe

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.