how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?