We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
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GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”
“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”