@_maybe_not_ever

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

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@DiaryofaSickGrl

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

@geekysteven

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

@lukejarret

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

@withanewname

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

@iRowlf

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

@Swishergirl24

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

@KeetPotato

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”