how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.