How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.