How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
You Might Also Like
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Love this one 😂🧟
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.