How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
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(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
rise and shine we got egg
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Every damn time
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP