How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
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It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.