Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.