@str8upjuggahos
@hiimmatts VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
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@hiimmatts 
@ArfMeasures JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
@DavidKinney If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
@truegritrumble BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
@thomas_violence the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
@iwearaonesie “Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
@TheUnderfold Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
@JodingersCat What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
@TheAlexNevil 2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”