How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
You Might Also Like
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
incredible
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?