@str8upjuggahos

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

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@hiimmatts

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

@ArfMeasures

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

@DavidKinney

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

@truegritrumble

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

@thomas_violence

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

@TheUnderfold

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

@JodingersCat

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

@TheAlexNevil

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

@

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”