How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
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I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
In case you needed to hear it:
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.