How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
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I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Growing out my freckles.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.