“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?