“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
secret recipe
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.