How can I say no to this ?
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Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
This is what makes twitter great
i think we should see other cousins
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Today’s Times
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no