“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*