How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
This is I, Robot all over again
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Not my job 😂
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here