“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh