How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
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DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I identify as an antique shop.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.