How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
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If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.