How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
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I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Um … Hot Wings please
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT