How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
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*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”