How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
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God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”