How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Baking is just science you can eat.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.