How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
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Finally, a door that understands me
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I have to give my cat a bath
Her: hear that?
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!
Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
We cut our bangs at dawn.