How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.