How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
You Might Also Like
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I WON A HAM TODAY
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience