How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
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Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
The best plant holders?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”