How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
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It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Just added something to my bucket list.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.