How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
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me, too, girl. me, too.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.