How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
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I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.