How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
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Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
when there are deer in the woods
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock