How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.