How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle