How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

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At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.


If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.


HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!


Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.


Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence


My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.


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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero


Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this