HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
he chose this
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me